rachelramdhan posted: " Photo by Nout Gons on Pexels.com Date: 16th December 2023 One year later and no baby. Today I'm just going to write very honestly and I'm going to write exactly what's on my mind. An entire year has passed of trying for a baby and not havin"
Today I'm just going to write very honestly and I'm going to write exactly what's on my mind.
An entire year has passed of trying for a baby and not having a baby.
Within this year, persons have asked probing questions of "What are you waiting on to have a child?", "When are you going to start a family?", "Are you guys even trying?".
Within this year, I've cried quietly in the bathroom with each negative pregnancy test, pulling myself together before telling Kevin the result. Within this year, I have had to grapple with the emotional aspects of this journey because although I knew the possibility existed and I prepared myself mentally for the ups and downs, actually dealing with it is much worse.
Within this year, there was one time where we both thought I was pregnant. Within this year, there was one time where we dared to allow ourselves to hope. Within this year, there was that one negative pregnancy test that nearly broke us. Within this year, there was the biggest heartbreak of our lives.
It has been a year filled with negative pregnancy tests, positive ovulation tests, hopes, prayers, and tears. Somewhere in the midst of it all I ask myself if I shouldn't still be happy about all the other things that's going on in my life. Shouldn't I be grateful for everything else? Should I have faith that everything will work out in its due course and when the timing is right then it will happen? Should I trust and believe that if I never get pregnant and have a baby, that it's just one of things that I'll understand in the grander scheme of things?
But no matter what I tell myself and no matter how many times I take a test and stare intently for five minutes waiting to see the second line that never appears - a little piece of me breaks each time.
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