In therapy we're going into the very nitty gritty details of what I do and how I react when triggered in relationships but especially in my relationship with the boyfriend. It makes me feel SO unlikable and I spend a lot of time after therapy trying to convince myself that I can be a decent person when I'm not triggered all over the place.
BUT the boyfriend and I had a good talk after therapy yesterday. I talked about what the problem is on my side, how I plan to solve it and it meant he felt reassured that he wasn't doing something wrong but that I was closing up and shutting him out because I was triggered.
So, I KNOW this is a good thing, that the work in therapy is leading to good places - but boy ... sometimes I wonder what picture she has of me in her head. If this unlikable, thoroughly flawed person is all she sees. I know in my head that this is not how she sees me and that she must at least like me somewhat to be working with me (and so long! - 12 years in May!) but it's hard to reach my heart with these facts ...
Like, yesterday I told her about being triggered all over the place on Tuesday and doing very badly and I said something about the boyfriend not reacting like I had wished he would, and her reply was, "But yeah, he's used to you doing badly!" which was like ... what?? No he's not! I am mostly doing REALLY well these days and freak outs like Tuesday rarely ever happen anymore. And I told her that, and said that my mom has said the same thing - to kinda prove I am not making this up in my head but that I AM mostly doing so much better - and she seemed happy about that - but also surprised ... which bothers me. So much! She only sees me in therapy - and she only sees certain headmates in therapy - she doesn't see the whole of our system - not even MOST of our system. The warm, kind-hearted parts, the vulnerable lovable parts, the soft and quiet parts. None of them does she get to see. She says, those who need to work something through/out will be sent to therapy by our system- there was always a reason for certain headmates to show up in therapy. And these other headmates - we don't feel they've got to change, so they don't go to therapy.
I dunno ... Maybe it doesn't matter what she thinks of me as long as we keep working well together - and EVERYBODY will have just one certain picture of you because they only get to meet one side of you (or many certain sides if you've got DID like us) ... but most people never get to see all of you. But I think I want to let our therapist know about this feeling we've got that her picture of us is a bit askew these days ... we feel it's important. Not ONLY to not seem so unlikable but also because we want to let her know just how far we've come already ... how much we've healed. She's been a HUGE part of that healing. She should know just how much she's helped us already.
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