Have you ever found yourself trapped
in the city everyone dreams of living in?
Sydney, Australia.
August 2022.
I dragged my feet out of my tiny apartment in the corner of Surry Hills, Sydney.
One lonely city that was meant to be 'the home' before everything fell apart.
It had been a week since I left this room.
Buried myself under the cheap blanket I bought from K-mart two months ago.
I had just planned a gateway to another lonely city up north.
I can't stay here.
This city smells like the blind faith I took years ago and the abandoned dreams he left behind.
The light train had never been this empty.
This red moving machine used to be my only friend in Sydney.
Took me to the overcrowded market to earn some pennies.
Just to keep me afloat in this sinking city.
I sat in front of Albert under the winter sun on the corner of Union Street.
Sipping my iced soy latte, listened to his story about Barcelona.
And how he chose Sydney to be his new home.
"Look around. Can you see how beautiful this place is?"
I looked across the street.
Magnificent old buildings, gorgeous jacaranda trees in the winter, and a burst of warm sunshine.
Yet,
I felt empty.
I took a deep breath.
"Am I losing it? Am I crazy?"
Was that a question or a fact? I wasn't sure.
Albert looked at me with his big brown eyes behind his grey sunglasses.
Patiently listened to me dumping my shit on him for the past hour and a half.
Blabbered about my broken heart and the city I didn't belong in.
"No, you're not crazy."
He grabbed my half-empty plate and started eating.
"You're just unsettled."
|
***
Unsettled
The word "unsettled" never crossed my mind until Albert brought it up on that sunny afternoon. For a few weeks, I'd been feeling all sorts of weird. Sometimes when I stand in the bustling Martin Place, or Town Hall Station as the hurried crowd dashes by, there are moments I pause, gazing around, and can't help but wonder: "What on earth am I doing here?"
It wasn't homesickness – I was sure of it. I knew that feeling all too well, and this was different. I just had this nagging feeling that something was off. I returned to Australia three months ago after hiding away in Bali during the pandemic. Australia was meant to be the promised land, offering cleaner air and a better quality of life. For 2.5 years, I stayed here, off and on, because of those reasons.
Yet, "lost" doesn't even begin to cover it. It was not easy being an immigrant in Australia. It's been a mad juggle between school, work, and trying to keep my relationships afloat. Somewhere along the line, I let money boss me around instead of the other way around.
Heartbreak, family stuff, the city's rat race that sucks the soul outta people for a paycheck, and the never-ending dance with depression – it all started weighing me down. I was sinking deeper every damn day.
The things that used to light up my life in Sydney? Like savouring coffee talks with friends on the weekend or losing myself in a good book at the park? Somehow, those sparks dimmed.
I used to call myself a world traveller, wandering through different corners of the world, soaking in every thrill. But now, I wonder if it was all just an escape. An escape from something, perhaps a feeling I couldn't fully comprehend or articulate"?
Packing and unpacking, diving into adventures, used to be exhilarating. Now? It's just another dull chore, a routine that lost its spark.
Five years ago, I made my great escape from Jakarta to Sydney, chasing a different kind of life. Yet, here I am, feeling like I've circled back to the same point in the end. Not knowing what I was looking for. I guess, it's not Sydney, it's not Jakarta. I had to stop blaming these places, maybe it's something else within.
There's something off, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Albert once talked about feeling "unsettled," and that word stuck. What did he mean? What's behind this persistent feeling? Was it a hint of depression or something entirely different? This feeling's a regular visitor, isn't it? It's a visitor that comes in and out of my life, never saying a permanent goodbye.
Ever felt like you're adrift in the ocean of life? Moving, but without a destination, just like a boat with no anchor.
I think it's just time for me to learn to make friends with this emotion. To understand it better by making a journey back through the corridors of my past, maybe just a couple of years, or perhaps even further, to piece together the puzzle. It's about comprehending, not conquering. To figure out what's steering my present? The memories, the traumas, or the price I have to pay for not knowing myself?
Imagine flipping through an old photo album—each picture tells a story waiting to be heard. That's what I'm doing right now. Asking those pictures: "What was missing back then? How's it affecting me now?"
Maybe, by making peace with this feeling, it won't feel like an enemy but a guide. Like a friend dropping hints. It's a cliche but it's true, that sometimes our greatest struggles can be our most influential teachers. By embracing this feeling, perhaps it can transform into a compass, guiding me through the unknown. So, I move ahead, eager to unwrap the lessons hidden within this inexplicable feeling. Join me on this journey, won't you?
***
If you're starting to lose your way,
Give yourself permission to stop and take a pause.
Put down all the shiny things you've been holding on to too tightly,
Just for a minute.
And breathe.
Simply breathe.
When you feel ready, gather them where you left off.
Then stride forward,
Walk tall,
wear your wounds on your sleeve and live as if you have nothing to lose.
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