I wrote this last night on the way home from basketball:
In therapy we also wondered about what i wrote about in my last post... This persistent disappointment and also the random destructive urges i keep getting that i don't write about here often. But they're there. Sometimes just fleeting thoughts, sometimes a bit more persistent than that. And they come every single day. And it's so surprising... Because my life is really, really good. But something inside - someone inside - stops me from enjoying any of it.
So we went there and we met the destructive urges: a teen. And when we followed that a bit more, we came upon a childhood scene that we'd talked about before but apparently haven't sufficiently worked through. Unfortunately it took us 40 minutes to get there. And then she wanted to have me confront someone from my long-gone-past (my great grandmother) in the last two minutes and i was like... "Uh, our time's up!" She looked at me totally surprised and apologized like three or four times... Oops. Lol. She was really sorry for having gotten so deep into a "bad" topic so close to the end of the session and said it was her job to keep time, not mine and apologized again.
And i felt kinda terrible for a long time afterwards. I was able to let it go in between but i didn't really relax again until the next day... Today. Until today. I can't believe that was yesterday! It seems like several days ago.
So next week the confrontation is waiting for me. I gotta confront. Because my first urge was to take that child that i was, trapped in this horrible situation, and run for it. And she said that we've done this, over and over... And that it's time to confront now as it seems running doesn't do the trick.
We're talking about anger here. And hate. And almost something like rage even. I am so angry at this person, my great grandmother. Who didn't protect us, didn't fight for us, who made sure we did not talk about any of this for such a long time. So so angry. And at the same time I'm not. It's like these two forces arguing about who gets to feel what about her. And anger has always been seen as a destructive force by many in our system. There was no healthy anger back then. It wasn't allowed. Because the ones we were really angry at were either dangerous or so fragile we felt we had to protect them. And the ones expressing anger in my childhood were so scary.
Ugh. This is hard. I feel a sob stuck in my chest right now. I want to cry and rage and rant. But now is not the time and place (it's past midnight and we're on the train home from basketball) and I'm not sure I even want to go there, to feel this outside of therapy. I might not. I might just carry this around with me for the next six days and hope for the best. I'm good at distracting myself from things, like those self destructive urges, these days.
But hey, i can still laugh about things and i had a great, great time at basketball today! I felt so accepted and even liked! And i was able to run a lot today! It was like i had neverending energy! Lol. I was the Duracell Bunny today! Just running, running, running.
So yeah, life is good. It's still hard sometimes and i know there is still so much to be integrated... Like the aggression. But i am not overwhelmed by it. I actually think it can be done. So there's that!
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