How am i feeling... I don't know how I'm feeling. Desperate i wrote an e-mail to my psychiatrist yesterday. I didn't think she'd see it any time soon but she saw it the same day and texted me about meds that i suspect she's gonna text me some more about in the next days but maybe not... Either way, I'm glad to have heard from her. She's on vacation till the end of August. So it was extra nice for her to reach out.
I'm still all enraged, sad, upset etc about how and when my therapist suggested i see someone else. I keep thinking she'll tell me i should know better than to feel rejected... But i feel just SO rejected. First the basketball people and her working me through all those difficult topics... And then she basically tells me, "you gotta leave" ... And then she's GONE for two weeks, so i can't talk to her about it even! She just leaves me hanging like that.
It just seems really ... unkind. And i don't know what to tell her next time I see her... I want to tell her she was unkind and that i expected more compassion and empathy from her... But i don't know if i can get that out without sounding angry and bitter. And i know she won't listen or take it as seriously if i don't say it somewhat calm. Or at least, i suspect that.
I'm trying to be calm and rational about this and a part of my brain can almost do it... But then i get all hurt and angry again. She's frustrated with us, i get that and i also get that it doesn't make much sense to be stuck in the same state of mind for ages and that if she feels she can't help me anymore it's the decent thing to do to tell me so. But she could have said it after she went away, after her vacation. Or the week before. She knew how terrible i have been feeling and how rejected i felt by the basketball people, how i was already in the verge of a crisis the likes of which i haven't had in two years... And she chose THAT moment to tell me.
It makes me wonder what's going on in HER life. Is she busy thinking about other things? Are there worries in her life that make it hard for her to empathize? I want to find something ... some reason why she's done it this way. Because if there isn't a serious reason then it's just me/us. Then it's us being frustrating, infuriating even. Sucking the last bits of patience and empathy from everyone. Then she's just fed up with us.
It doesn't matter that she said, "think about it". She had another therapist ready... She should know that that seems almost too eager to be rid of me. Ugh. I'm just turning this stupid conversation over and over in my head ... And I'm having figure conservations already...
I feel rejected and sad and unlikable.
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