I'm a ball of nervous/angry energy. I meet the potential new therapist on Tuesday next week. My current therapist is coming back a day later. I am scared the new one won't take me because of the DID. Or she'll be inexperienced. Or she'll be stupid and we'll hate her. The other therapist I wrote to is already booked full for the next "forseeable future".
My boyfriend's moved out. About half of his stuff is in the new apartment now. He might be gone till the weekend now. I don't know how to fill my days. I sit around, angrily crocheting, or angrily just lying there thinking about things. I can't focus on reading - the closer these next appointments come, the less reading is a thing that's possible. I still don't really wanna meet anyone because I am short tempered and impatient. It's worse today than it's been in a few days.
I regularly tell myself how much I hate everything, including or most of all myself and my body. It doesn't help that we're in the middle of a heatwave and everything just seems so much harder to do because of this. I know telling myself how much I hate everything etc. isn't helping things at all but whenever I try to reign in my thoughts to make something positive out of them I get SO angry. I constantly want to lash out at myself.
I know this is probably tedious and boring to read. Oh well.
I can't believe how quickly I fell. Only a few weeks ago things were going okay. Before the Pride, before the Fire, before the guy shooting himself, before my therapist saying she can't help me anymore and going on vacation ... Before all of that I was okay. And I have fallen oh so far since then! I don't really know how to get back to a place where I am okay, honestly okay.
Sometimes I slip back into denial. "I don't have DID." Because my head is making up all these scenarios with the potential new therapist - scenarios of rejection and confusion and outright desperation ... it's weird... the things my head is coming up with ... Ugh. I can't seem to stop that either. I can't seem to stop anything. I feel like I am on the verge of losing control completely ... I can barely hold it together.
I am just so angry ...
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