Delivered by the Shite Dishonourable Chancer at the Exchequer, Jemima Runt
''I am delighted to be able to tell the House that we have taken difficult decisions to put our economy back on track in readiness for our return – unscathed – to the Promised Land of EUNATO milk and honey. Our plan for the British economy is, let's be clear about this, working. Yes, everyone needs to work their nuts off.
But the work is not yet done to finally make the economic working thing work specifically in readiness for Fishy and me to take our Rishly deserved Top NWO table places. Under our Prime Minister we take decisions for the long term such as three weeks last Wednesday and at times even as long as tomorrow evening. That's why our choice is not big government, high spending and high taxes like what we bin doin' an' shit, because we know that leads to less growth, not more innit, on account of a dynamic economy depending on the energy and enterprise of people more than any diktats or decisions by ministers like me.
However, before I start with the forecast of rigorously enumerated growth fantasies, I want to distract you by expressing my horror at the murderous attack on Israeli citizens on October 7th and the subsequent loss of life on both sides. Such hypocrisy gives me the chance to lie my duck-billed smug head off and pretend that three of my Rt Hon Friend the Prime Minister's five pledges at the start of the year - to halve inflation, grow the economy and reduce debt - are being delivered in full, although of course I have only chosen three out of five because the other two bits won't be remembered due to all of you serfs being far too thick to grasp their importance.
And now, to business. As you probably noticed, this is an Autumn statement, and so we must expect everything to slow down as growth tails off: the crops have been harvested, leaves are falling off the trees, flowers are dipping their heads and the nights are drawing in. Only a fool would be surprised at this, or – even more silly – blame the slow-down on the hero of the hour – myself of course, with just a bit of help here and there from Sushi Rhino.''
''We have done nothing wrong: but there are headwinds against us, choppy seas ahead, no quiet tax havens or other ports of convenience to head for, no escaping the mad and barbaric expansionism of Putin and his gang – not forgetting the inflation in the cost of knee-bending – and worst of all, no more Liz Trusses allowing Andrew Bailey to call her a silly tart, thus allowing me to take the wheel in this our Darkest soon to be Finest Hour.
''So today, the time has come for single-minded clinical focus* on double-talk. Today we deliver* a plan to tackle the cost of living crisis, rebuild our economy, create stability, produce growth and invest in public services. We shall also take difficult decisions to tackle inflation, keep mortgage rates down and lower energy bills, produce higher growth, a strong NHS - and an education system that is both systemic and educational at its core.'So today, the time has come for single-minded clinical focus* on double-talk. Today we deliver* a plan to tackle the cost of living crisis, rebuild our economy, create stability, produce growth and invest in public services. We shall also take difficult decisions to tackle inflation, keep mortgage rates down and lower energy bills, produce higher growth, a strong NHS - and an education system that is both systemic and educational at its core.
*Editor's note: We have had some of our best and brightest brains here in Sloggers' Roost on the case of Mr Runt's use of the verb ''deliver'' in relation to a plan, and the noun ''focus'' in relation to such a plan, given it that lays out eleven equally important goals. A Downing Street spokespinhead said that the Conservative Party ''has always prided itself on an ability to multitask, and thus reduce the complex to the simplistic''. We suspect that AI was involved in the response.
Now of course, as I have tried to make clear in this mould-breaking Statement on the nature of Autumn, plucky Little Britain is little more than a hapless victim of cockups and panic that began in places far, far away from Westminster. For confirmation of this Get out of Jail free Card, I turn to my ever-reliable blame-storming colleagues at the Office of Budget Responsibility [OBR].
The OBR confirms global factors are the primary* cause of current inflation. Most countries are still dealing with the fallout from a once in a century pandemic**. The furlough scheme, the vaccine rollout and the response of the NHS did our country proud, but they all have to be paid for***. The lasting impact on supply chains has made goods more expensive and fuelled inflation, and this is being made worse by a 'made in Russia' energy crisis. Putin's war in Ukraine has caused wholesale gas and electricity prices to rise to eight times**** their historic average.''
Ed:
*Primary causes or not, Mr Runt cites only the Covid 19 pandemic and President Putin here
**Covid 19 was never a pandemic given its demograpically skewed effect and minute deathrate
*** The vaccine, lockdown, furlough, NHS damage, neglected cancer treatments & pointless pop-up hospitals are hardly something of which the UK can be proud; even more to the point, they were nothing to do with Putin.
**** The energy sanctions were made in Brussels & Washington, not Moscow. 'Eight times the historic average' is a meaningless stat I have been unable to confirm.
''We want Scandinavian quality alongside Singaporean inefficiency, both better* outcomes to citizens and better value for taxpayers''
*Er, shurely shome mistake, yes?
No, he really did say that...
''I will increase the NHS budget in each of the next two years by £3.3 billion. The Chief Executive of the NHS Amanda Pritchard has said that this should provide sufficient funding for the NHS to fulfil its key priorities. She said it shows the government is serious about its commitment to prioritise our NHS. 3.3 billion for the NHS, £4.7 billion for social care, a record £8 billion package for our health and care system. That is a Conservative government putting the NHS first.
Ed:
*To be more accurate, it's yet another UK Chancellor playing games with inflation percentages. All the quoted budget ''increases'' are in fact cuts in real terms.
''Our plan is to build a high wage, high skill economy that leads to long term prosperity. In his Mais lecture, my right hon friend, the Prime Minister identified the keys to doing this as people, capital and ideas. Unfortunately, we have been far too busy dealing with that awful bounder Rasputin to come up with any ideas, so instead, I'm going to distract your attention with lots of highly disputed survival emergency carbon footprint stuff. In 2019, a third of global emissions came from energy supply. So unless we act radically to change our approach, we'll both bankrupt our economy and harm our planet.
For example, Britain is a global leader in post-oil and coal energy, so that last year, nearly 40% of our electricity came from offshore propellers, knitting farts, solar and watermill energy sources. This means that if current trends continue 160% of our energy will be unreliable by 2032.
And that's why we need to go even further with a major acceleration in both the use of river mills - and slave labour to work the paddles, so cleverly provided by the Prime Minister. The migrants that is, not the paddles.
Advertise for sociopaths, and you get sociopaths.........
Apologies for the late arrival of this post. The Slog is undergoing the cleansing experience of a bout of malaria. It's a bit like having jet lag and the worst hangover ever, but without the fun that normally precedes such an outcome.
Please bear with me for a few days.
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