Today is Mother's Day and I think of Mama and all that she taught me. I realize, now that I'm older and a mother and grandmother, that our mothers did the best they could based on all that formed them. Mama, was born in 1923 and grew up in rural North Carolina during the Great Depression. There wasn't a lot, materially in her family but she would say "we always had plenty to eat and we loved each other." That seemed to be the source of her grateful heart throughout her life. She was never one who fussed about things not being perfect; she accepted whatever she was given and was appreciative. She valued relationships more than status, getting along more than getting ahead.
There are things that Mama taught me by how she lived that I will try to emulate, and there are other things, I will let go of. Some things that served her well during her lifetime have changed for me, for the age I was born into during the 50s and how life has progressed to this present day.
I should heed her lessons on being frugal, being thrifty that was surely a trait of her Scots-Irish upbringing. Over the years, her refusing to pay more had surely added to the money she saved, the debt she didn't incur. She wasn't so tight-fisted that she didn't enjoy her life; she took trips and spent money on her children and grandchildren. But on a daily basis, she wouldn't buy her favorite sausage, Jimmy Dean unless it was on sale and she never shopped for name-brands when she bought clothing. Until she was up in years, she sewed most of her clothes, and was appalled at how poorly the 'store bought dresses' were made.
Mama was one that once she made up her mind she was going to do something, she just did it. I'd heard her talk about how she didn't like chemistry class when she was in high school. After she became a widow at fifty-four years old, she entered nursing school at the community college. She knew it would involve taking chemistry but she wanted to be a nurse badly enough that she persevered. Later, she developed some of her land into a mobile home park, knowing it would provide needed income as she grew older. I was amazed at how she went through all the steps of getting permits, acquiring tenants, and managing that business. What I saw as a lot of tedium, Mama just saw as life and did what she had to do.
Mama showed the same high value of caring for people who were sick that her mother did. Grandma Smith often spoke of the importance of sending cards or stopping in to check on sick neighbors. Her dream of going on to high school was interrupted by her family needing her to stay home and help take care of her bedridden grandparents. Back in that time, there was an expectation of family members providing physical care; their family was also not of the socioeconomic status to be able to pay for outside help.
Mama's family had eight children, and she was the middle of the three girls--like me. Her younger sister, Eloise, had a birth trauma that caused her to have epilepsy. Back in their day, the disorder was not well-controlled, and Eloise's seizures were so bad she had to be taken out of school. Over the years, Mama provided a lot of help for her sister; sometimes, Mama gave too much to Eloise, who could knowingly exhibit behaviors that were hurtful to Mama. That was part of the pattern of always taking care of others first, of being unselfish, that Mama and her family valued that could be unhealthy. There were times that I think Mama should have put herself first; that is one of the things I'm trying to do differently from her.
Another thing I'm trying to let go of comes from Mama's often saying, "If you can't say something good, don't say anything at all." There are a lot of things that "aren't good" and to follow this advice can be a way of avoiding dealing with conflict. I've struggled with how to speak up when things are difficult--in friendships, at work, and in relationships. Sometimes when I was young, I would say things in unhelpful ways. It was hard to know how to address difficult things with hearing Mama's words in my head. I'm trying to get better at not holding back, trying to say things in a firm, assertive, and thoughtful way. Mama's way may have been best for her time, but it's not for mine.
One thing Mama never approved of was me going on my solo journeys. Every year when I told her my plans to set out for a new adventure, she'd ask, "Who's going with you?" The first year, when I went to Sedona after 8 months of cancer treatment, I responded the only way I thought would silence her. "I won't be alone," then paused, and added, "God will be with me." She was quiet for a moment and then responded, "Well, you'll be in the best hands, but be careful." After that, she asked me the same question every year and when I told her I was going alone, she always said, "I don't like it. A woman shouldn't travel alone."
While in Mama's day few women traveled alone, none that she knew, times have changed. Solo travel for women has grown vastly since I started my yearly journeys in 2005. With the right planning and plenty of caution, you can be as safe as you are at home going to the shopping mall. It worked for Mama to always travel with someone-- at first Daddy and later with relatives or friends. But for me, it was hard to coordinate with the busy schedules of others. When I went by myself that first time, I found a freedom in traveling alone. I don't always want to do that, but if that's what it takes to get to the places I want to go--then I can do it; I like knowing that I've done this successfully for years.
I hope there are things my two sons want to emulate that I've shown as their mother; I'm sure there are other things that won't serve them for their time. And I hope they'll always remember that for my time, the family I was born into, the circumstances of my life-- I did the best I could to be a good mother. And most of all, I hope they'll always know that I loved them with all my heart and my best intentions.
With love and grace to you all,
Connie
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