Blog Post: Identifying Your Core Needs Using the Enneagram for Parents
As a parent, it's easy to feel like your needs are buried under the endless to-do lists and constant care your little ones require. However, understanding and identifying your core needs can be transformative, not just for you, but for your relationship with your partner. One powerful tool to help with this is the Enneagram.
What is the Enneagram?
The Enneagram is a personality typing system that describes nine different types, each with its own set of core needs, motivations, and fears. Rather than putting you in a box, the Enneagram helps you explore different facets of your personality, offering insights into what drives you and how you interact with others. When I use the enneagram with my clients, we don't just take it at face value. However, we use the ideas and questions to help dig in a bit deeper to who you are and what you want out of life. It is one of the tools in the toolbox of insight.
The Nine Enneagram Types and Their Core Needs
Type 1: The Perfectionist
- Core Need: Integrity and doing things right.
- In Relationships: You might find yourself frustrated if things aren't done the "right" way, which can come off as criticism. Remember, right is subjective. For example, you might feel the urge to reorganize the pantry after your partner has already done it because it wasn't done "right." This can lead to tension if not communicated properly. Emphasize that your need for integrity and excellence isn't a criticism of your partner but a personal standard that you hold yourself to.
Type 2: The Helper
- Core Need: Being loved and needed.
- In Relationships: You give generously but also need to feel appreciated. Make sure to communicate this need to your partner. For instance, you might go out of your way to do thoughtful things for your partner and feel hurt if they don't seem to notice. Expressing your need for acknowledgment can help your partner understand how to show appreciation in a way that resonates with you.
Type 3: The Achiever
- Core Need: Recognition and success.
- In Relationships: Like me, you might have thrived on workplace accolades and feel lost without them at home. Find new ways to achieve and celebrate those wins, no matter how small. For example, setting and achieving small daily goals, like organizing a playdate or preparing a healthy meal, can provide a sense of accomplishment. Share these achievements with your partner to receive the recognition you crave.
Type 4: The Individualist
- Core Need: Authenticity and personal significance.
- In Relationships: You need to feel seen and understood for who you truly are. Share your feelings openly to foster that deep connection. For example, if you're feeling overwhelmed, instead of retreating, express your emotions to your partner. This openness can help you feel more validated and understood.
Type 5: The Investigator
- Core Need: Knowledge and understanding.
- In Relationships: You value your alone time and intellectual pursuits. Balance this with quality time to keep the relationship strong. For instance, carve out specific times for solitude and learning, but also plan regular activities with your partner to maintain a strong connection. Discussing your interests with your partner can also bridge the gap between your need for knowledge and your relationship needs.
Type 6: The Loyalist
- Core Need: Security and support.
- In Relationships: You might worry a lot about the future. Communicate your need for reassurance and support to your partner. For example, if you're anxious about your child's future, talk to your partner about your concerns and work together to create a plan. This collaboration can provide the security and support you need.
Type 7: The Enthusiast
- Core Need: Freedom and joy.
- In Relationships: You love spontaneity and adventure. Ensure your relationship has room for fun and lighthearted moments. For instance, plan spontaneous date nights or family outings to keep the excitement alive. Share your need for adventure with your partner and find ways to incorporate fun into your daily routines.
Type 8: The Challenger
- Core Need: Control and self-reliance.
- In Relationships: You are strong and assertive, but make sure to let your partner in and share responsibilities. For example, you might naturally take charge of household decisions, but it's important to involve your partner and allow them to share the load. Open communication about your need for control can help balance the dynamics in your relationship.
Type 9: The Peacemaker
- Core Need: Harmony and peace.
- In Relationships: You avoid conflict, sometimes at your own expense. Practice voicing your needs and opinions. For example, if you're unhappy with a decision, instead of staying silent to keep the peace, express your thoughts calmly and constructively. This helps ensure your needs are met without sacrificing harmony.
Exercises to Identify Your Core Needs Using the Enneagram
- Reflective Journaling:
- Spend 10 minutes each day writing about moments when you felt deeply fulfilled and connected. What was happening? What needs were being met? Reflect on specific instances, such as a meaningful conversation with your partner or a personal accomplishment that brought you joy. These reflections can help you identify patterns and understand your core needs better.
2. Open Communication with Your Partner:
- Share your reflections with your partner. Discuss times when you felt most loved and ask about their experiences too. This can open up a dialogue about how to meet each other's needs better. For example, set aside time each week for a "needs check-in" where both of you can openly discuss what's working well and what could be improved in your relationship.
Understanding Myself Through the Enneagram
For me, understanding my need for achievement as a Type 3 was a revelation. Before becoming a mom, I thrived on workplace recognition. As an at-home parent, I felt lost without those accolades. But recognizing this need allowed me to find new ways to celebrate my achievements, no matter how small they seemed. For example, I started setting small goals, like organizing a playdate or completing a creative project, and celebrating these accomplishments with my family. This helped me feel a sense of achievement and recognition in my new role. It also allowed me to clearly communicate with my husband that I needed that recognition and to feel achievement, giving him insight to how he could love and support me in such a tender season.
A Client's Story with the Enneagram
One of my clients realized that her core need was for things to be done "right." However, this often led to conflicts when she projected this expectation onto her partner, who felt criticized. By understanding and communicating her need, they found a new way to balance their approaches and improve their relationship. For instance, they agreed on certain standards for tasks that were important to her and allowed more flexibility in areas where her partner could take the lead. This compromise helped reduce tension and foster mutual respect.
Learning More About Yourself Using the Enneagram
Identifying your core needs using the Enneagram is a powerful step towards better self-understanding and deeper connections with your partner. Remember, this process is ongoing and requires open communication and reflection. Keep peeling back those layers, and you'll discover a more fulfilling and connected life. Embrace the journey and celebrate the growth you experience along the way.
It can be immensely helpful to have someone supporting you through your discovery and self-understanding. As a coach, I create the space for you to get to know yourself, learn how to best connect with and communicate with those in your life, and keep growing into the person and parent you want to be. Learn more about working with me here or book a free call to talk about how coaching can impact your life here.
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