It's World Suicide Prevention Day, and September is Suicide Prevention Month. I can't let this day slide by without acknowledging the terrible void that suicide has left in my life and in my family.
In May of 2023, one of the most important people of my childhood committed suicide.
My cousin Rachel was one of my first best friends - she was only three and a half years younger than me (and only a few months younger than my sister Samantha). So the three of us, plus my second cousin Amber who is just a little younger than the others, made up "The Ladybug Club."
My aunt offhandedly called us that once and it stuck - we were at the age where belonging is important and clubs are cool. Just four girly girls, forever known in our family as the Ladybug Club.
I'm not sure why Rachel is gone - I ache at the thought of her having felt alone, but I also know she was (and continues to be) so loved by our whole family. I know that our minds can sometimes cause us to feel isolated even when the reality is that we are more cared for than we know.
I posted about Rachel on this blog around the holidays last year (see here), and I think about her often. All week I've shared posts on my Instagram stories from 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
It's been over a year, but I think I'll grieve Rachel for a lifetime. I want so badly to be here for my family and don't plan to go heavenward until the Lord calls me, but I long to see her again, to hear her laugh.
I wanted to post today in remembrance of her.
About a month and a half after her passing, I had a visitor on my windshield - a ladybug - and I wept on my ride home at the memory of Rachel. When I got home, I wrote this poem, and shared it on my personal Facebook that day. In the preamble to the poem, I called it "half journal entry, half poem." I think that description remains fitting.
So here it is, my original poem, first penned on 6/30/2023.
I believe in a God who dearly loves his creation, who doesn't leave us or forsake us, who waits for us at the doors of eternity with open arms. And I believe that Rachel is at peace there - feeling loved and waiting on the rest of the Ladybug Club's arrival.
I'll see you then, Ladybug, and I'll miss you everyday on this side of forever.
SPECIAL NOTE:
If you are struggling with your mental health - you are not alone. 988 is a resource for you. Your life is worth living, and I will remind you of that any time you need me to.
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