Have you ever expected a lot from a person, situation or place? I did.
Since I was a small girl, after my parents divorce my dream was to have a family on my own, a family which I've never had. I was very open with my first kids dad about what I need and how I imagine our life together to be before we even started living together. We agreed on all terms while it was just a hypothetical statement. But once the situation was right and we got together, in one place things change, he changed, I was just a passerby in his life. After marriage and birth of our first son my dreams shattered.I did not have any reason to keep going. Being a family means having each others back and he wasn't there for me.
While being in a divorce process, I met Shahzada. I thought very highly of him. He was funny, intelligent, hard working, could take care of himself and had a good way of self-expression. Because he kept repeating time after time that we are friends and family, I felt somehow special and I thought that I could rely on this friendship to heal from my past. But as I gave him a final test, our friendship was just in my head. I was needed just as long as he needed me and the love I had, the imagination that bloomed when I still could believe in love.... vanished... all of it. I turned into someone that got their head straight and love was not so selfless and bubbly anymore. I was so disappointed in myself, in him and the world. After getting to know that he has been lying about some things, every word he said to me in the past put me through an extreme pain and the confidence I once had, got shaken, shaken so badly I can still fall into the ground and recall all the words and images from the time I met him. It's like a thousand of knives cutting every spot of your body. You look at yourself at the mirror, your body does not have many scars but when you look inside of your eyes, it just overflows with pain.
Then I met my current husband, Ahad. And there is nothing wrong with him. He is sweet and caring, and I love him but the things he says to me does not always have an effect on me, its like shouting an arrow of love at me and I become transparent so the love never hits me. My brain says he is very passionate and loving. I perceive his action this way but my heart does not beat the way it used to with other people, and the more he tries to make me feel loved, the more I feel that I need to take distance. I don't want his love although I do want to feel loved. I do not want his care, although I want to be cared for. I do not want his help, although I need help in many matters. I've been in a dark zone for few days while working on the thesis in media technology, maybe that is why I know it will not get accepted and I will need to start all over again next year. I've been crying time after time, and feel that although we love each other, its better to let each other go now than let the expectation of being together in one place, maybe in a few years, shatter the last piece of my will to live. Because our situation is really very uncertain. Regulations to bring a family member to Sweden got more tight. I really need to work my ass off to be able to bring anyone here. And that'show my past terrorizes me and questions start to pop up :
Did you not have enough? You will work until you bleed out, just to bleed even more after he is here?
He wants a kid but will he take the responsibility or will he turn into a coward and leave you with the extra pound of weight that you won't be able to carry on your own?
If you cannot feel cared for and loved for now, why expect it will change once you are living together?
You are having a hard time and the only thing he can say is "Sorry that I am not capable"...How can he say that what he feel for you is love when selfless love does not need reasons or anyone to be a rich man or a woman?
When you look inside the mirror don't you see a woman that does not need a man to do well in life? What are you waiting for, another heartbreak ?
And then comes the time I have to answer these questions and its getting just more painful to admit that I am not in a place to love anyone selflessly and waste my time on something and someone that may never become "us" even if we already share the bond of marriage. I don't want to bring a child into this world only based on empty promises that he will take responsibility, just to later struggle like I do at this moment with the children from my previous relationship. I cannot wait to feel cared or loved for and instead choose to love and care for myself, on my own. I cannot depend on someone that does not believe in his own capabilities and puts me through turmoil due to this. I need safety, security, everything that stands for stability. Tears do not only represent sadness and happiness but despair as well. It's like saying, thank you for choosing me but sorry you made a wrong choice. When I look inside the mirror I see a girl that turned into a woman faster than anyone else, someone that had to depend on her own strength and will to survive, someone that does not need another person to keep living although life may be full of loneliness but still there is happiness in loneliness, which is better than feeling despair and disappointment when being legally together but in reality two separate people.
In conclusion, my life lacks colors , its monotonous at this moment... and I feel so tired I cannot even lift a marker to start drawing. Even if I make myself to draw, the picture won't be of me and Ahad living happily after. Because I do not believe in it. There is no ground to it when I am doing more than 50% to come closer and I get a sorry and a tear instead. I am tired of doing it all by myself. That is not a partnership..its more like a freeloading. Waiting until all the resources and feelings I have equal zero. Because that's where I am headed right now. I said he was sweet and loving but from a realisitc point of view that is not enough for a marriage to keep going and more so to start a family.
Going to clean my apartment, at least I can clean this mess in a limited frame of time, unlike my relationships with people.... too tiredsome...
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