I am feeling sad and anxious today. The fight with my boyfriend ended the next day and I was able to tell him everything that's been weighing me down. It seems we both agree that I need to find something to do because this way I am just circling around the same shit all the time, making it huge, and much worse in my head than it is. So I applied for a job yesterday, a volunteer job as some kind of researcher into the Native American protests in North America. It sounds really cool. We'll see what they have to say when or if they get back to me.

Winnie's time is definitely coming to an end and I am expecting to have to put him down some time next week. We'll see, maybe that stubborn little pup will hold on longer. But he's not eating his food. He takes a bite or two, decides he doesn't like it and leaves the full bowl behind him. This also means he is not getting most of his medication. And the pain meds don't seem to have any effect on him whatsoever either. I think his time has just come. He is AT LEAST 14 years old, probably older though. He was already pretty old when I got him.

I am not going to force feed him the way I did when I first got him. I am thinking if he is ready to die, then I will let him go gently. So I just let him sleep next to me on the couch, petting him occasionally, but mostly just letting him sleep. It would be so lovely if he could just fall asleep and go gently this way. But I don't know if I will be granted this wish. It's sad. I am very sad about it all but I realize that he IS old and no one lives forever and he had a good 4 years with me with loads of running around, sniffing, eating things he wasn't supposed to, exploring the country side and peeing inside. Lol.

He's ready to go and I am ready to let him. I just hope so much it won't be painful for him ...

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